i'm letting go

Do you ever have those days where nothing and I mean nothing goes the way that you have planned? You just want to cry and stomp your feet like you did when you were a child. Well I have had many of those day but I have never until the other day thought to myself why…?

Why I am I acting like a child and having these thoughts… Life is not as bad as you are acting right now. Well I had one of these moments the other day, while I was crying over something that seemed so wrong.

On Thursday I went to take my driver test to get my license and was unable to. I was told some wrong information and found it out to late. She proceeded to tell me that I needed another class before I can take my test. Well that doesn’t seem so bad but I practiced all the night before for the test, so I was just very frustrated. My eyes began to swell up with water and I could hardly talk for fear of crying. My driving instructor was there and stud up for me, however to no avail and I still have to take the class.

                Then a glimmer of hope….She told me that there was one this Saturday and that there was still room if I wanted to join. What good news, however when we reached the car my eyes could no longer hold back the tears as I thought about work. I had to work this Saturday and there was no way I could get it off because my boss already had it booked off and the next class wasn’t until the end of October.

Mad about the situation I was in, I kind of shut off. I was grumpy and not a very good person to be around. I tried to hide it for work but I was told to day by my friend that I wasn’t hiding it that good. I have been working to get my license for a while now and everything keeps going wrong.

So I prayed…prayed for help. Prayed to God to enter into my life and send me the holy spirit to guide me. Help me not be this terrible person. Help me to see past this road block and see the good. I talked to my best friend that night and she calmed me down out of tears. She reminded me that God had a plan and I was not meant to take the test that day because if I was then I would have been able to take it. That maybe there is something in that class that I need to know before.

Then I received an email from my loving daddy…

A strong person knows how to keep their life in order. Even with tears in their eyes, they still manage to say "I'm ok" with a smile. Send this to a strong person. I just did. God is good. Change is coming. God saw your sadness and said hard times are over.

I sent it to a few people that I think would a appreciate it. I got a astonishing response back, from a wonderful lady that I am lucky to have in my life. She said: Thank you Tamara, this is so thoughtful of you. I don't feel strong, but I am blessed to have lots of people holding me up. Thank you for being one of the people that holds me up. I got a teary eyed reading those words and thanked God for giving me this amazing woman in my life.

Then everything started falling in to place. I got a text mesg from my driving instructor telling me that she will do special classes with me at night so I can get my license sooner! Tears again.

How could I ever think bad things about my life when I have all these wonderful people surrounding me? I was not sure about this journey that I had started to travel on until he showed me the power of love and acceptance this past week. He has a plan for me and I am ready to follow it with all my heart!

The first time I prayed it was weird and I didn’t know what to say. In youth group I would always sing to the songs so loud and that’s how I communicated with Him. So I went to the best blog ever and I checked out her playlist and fell in love with Francesca Battistelli and her amazing voice.

There is this one song that jumped right into my heart and sang to my soul. It’s called I’m letting go and it is what I am going though right now. It feels like I was lead to this song because she wrote it for me.

There is another song on her album that I have listened to about 5 times today, but ill keep you waiting and ill show it to you tomorrow! See you then.

Don’t forget to smile!

57. Finding new music

58. The friends I have in my life and the ones to come

59. unexpected thoughts of kindness

60. Multi grain creamy ranch Pringles

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Today in my life...

Outside my window… the sun is rising and the wind is blowing

I am thinking… I will try to find my sweater before I leave

I am thankful… the air I breath and the one who gave it to me

One of my favourite things… tea in the morning

From the kitchen… a hot cup of tea is calling my name

I am wearing… Jeans because its Friday and a blue shirt

I am creating… a church painting-that I haven’t worked on in a few days :s

I am going… to work

I am wondering… if I will be able to get tomorrow off for my driver training class

I am reading… One thousand gifts

I am hoping… that I will be able to do this  course and take my road test next week

I am looking forward to… driving

I am hearing… the sound of the bird feeder hitting the window in the wind

Around the house… is a mess

I am pondering… why does God test me so…

Don’t forget to smile!

52. My cat always knowing when something is wrong and comes and cuddles

53. Being taught to draw by my boyfriend

54. My WORKING car

55. Summer

56. Finding out something new and unexpected out about a friend

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10 years ago today...

Nineteen hijackers took control of four commercial airliners.

At 8:46 a.m., American Airlines Flight 11 was crashed into the World Trade Center's North Tower.

At 9:03 a.m., United Airlines Flight 175 hit the South Tower.

At 9:37 a.m., another group of hijackers flew American Airlines Flight 77 into the Pentagon.

At 10:03 a.m., United Airlines Flight 93, crashed near Shanksville, Pennsylvania.

That airline was thought to either targeting the United States Capitol or the White House.

There were a total of 2,996 deaths, including the 19 hijackers and 2,977 victims. The victims included 246 on the four planes (from which there were no survivors), 2,606 in New York City in the towers and on the ground, and 125 at the Pentagon. All the deaths in the attacks were civilians, except for 55 military personnel killed at the Pentagon

What do you remember of this day 10 years ago? Where were you when it happened? I was at school when it happened. I remember coming home and watching the videos over and over on the news with my family. I didn’t want to show you photos of that day, because I know it is every hard to see even 10 years later. I want to help people that maybe still are grieving. Today will never be forgotten and neither will the lives of these loved people.

What is Death?Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other,
that we still are.

Call me by my old familiar name.
Speak to me in the easy way
which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.

Laugh as we always laughed
at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word
that it always was.
Let it be spoken without affect,
without the trace of a shadow on it.

Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same that it ever was.
There is absolutely unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind
because I am out of sight?

I am waiting for you,
for an interval,
somewhere very near,
just around the corner.

All is well.~ Henry Scott Holland

Here is a painting that I did for today.  Hope you like it. Lost but never forgotten….

Don’t forget to smile!

47. Having today

48. all the hero’s that helped with 911

49. Warm sunshine on my face

50.  not knowing Gods plan but knowing it will work out

51. All the families and friends of the lost

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Church Painting Part 1

Sometimes I look at a blank canvas and I see a picture, sometimes I can stare at a blank canvas for hours and see nothing. Well lately I have been inspired to go out of my comfort zone and try something new and different from what I am used to. I am currently working on a painting for the 10 year anniversary on 911. And I really don’t like using the word anniversary in that sentence because that word to me is happy, but that’s what it is. (More on that subject tomorrow)

Today was kind of unconventional in finding inspiration and I am so glad. I am “trying” a new idea. Using my photography as a Muse (I might say). We were on our way to Skylar’s dad’s farm and every time we drive by there is this little church. I must have a million pictures of it, it is so cute and I just love the way it looks. Well on the way out there today I looked at the  Church and I told Skylar to pull over I needed to take a picture. I do this all the time so it was not out of the ordinary for him. The lighting was perfect on the Church and I feel in love.

I had planned on painting out there today, it being so beautiful and warm. So I had brought all of my paint and everything I needed, including a new blank canvas. I am not very good at drawing so I normally stay away from painting real things. I once painted a barn and it was very bad, Skylar had to draw and try and fix it. I had drawn the ground to the edge of the barn so when it was done it was a floating barn. So I had to paint in hay bales to cover up the mistake.

This time however I had Skylar there with me and he was helping me with the drawing. He says I need to learn, and he is a very good teacher. He never once criticized me or grabbed the pencil to fix a mistake. So I 100% drew this on my own, with Skylar’s tips along the way.

Here are some pictures of how is coming along so far..Hope you enjoy!

I didnt have room for the Top of the Church which is my fav part but it kind of makes it my own now...

                                        

Don’t forget to smile!

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My List for today…

Outside my window… the sky is a wonderful blue as the sun is slowly setting

I am thinking… of way to many things at once

I am thankful… for a wonderful Dad that listens to me when I need him and subscribes to my blog so he doesn’t miss a post♥

One of my favourite things… Yellow Paint

In the kitchen… are some dishes waiting to be cleaned

I am wearing… my PJ’s of course

I am creating… a painting for Sept 11th

I am going… nowhere!

I am wondering… what to have for dinner

I am reading… One thousand gifts

I am hoping… that I get my road test booked soon

I am looking forward to… driving myself to work and not having to take the bus and crazy people ask me if I want to play checkers with them.

I am hearing… the fan buzzing in my ear

Around the house… is quite

I am pondering… what to paint next

Plans for the week… laundry, dishes and painting!

Don’t forget to smile!

 

39. My wonderful daddy

40. Lazy days at work where you get lots of work done

41. Blogs that make me smile

42. Hot lunch

43. being able to help my friends even when they are far away

44. My over protective mother

45. My little, but growing too fast, sisters
46. Finding old photos

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Finding my TRUE Self

“From the beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden Story. Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise. We eat. And, in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice. We are hungry. We eat. We are filled…and emptied.”
Quote from:
One Thousand Gifts
by Ann Voskamp

I started reading One Thousand Gifts today; because I wanted to fill this empty hole I have in my heart. Because I wanted someone to tell me that my life is not just to be here and die. That one day after many days here I would live in the light of something more then I could ever imagine. I thought that I would just wake up one day and know the glory of the Lord and feel His love in return. That I would be able to see his love in everything that I do and everything that I am. I want to feel this love more than my human body can stand and yet I am I not ready? I am I not ready to hear what He has to say and do the things that He asks. For every time I try I have stumbled and failed.

As I read chapter one I am starting to realize who I am, through this book, thought her eyes. I have grown up as a No God person and I didn’t even know it. Nor do I want to be one. I have seen all the things that He has not done and focused on that; for I knew nothing better. I have taken death, sorrow and lose right to the heart and I have made that hole in my heart. I am the one that dug deep and removed Him with my own hands, and didn’t even know. Is it so easy to do, for a child I supposes, it is. Growing up not knowing any different; never being told the whole truth. There other day I got a fortune cookie that said “A half-truth is a whole lie” and I didn’t know what it meant. But I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I am meant to go on this journey, I am meant to find the light but not until I am ready. I started reading chapter one and half way though I got such a headache I stopped. It ached because all I have known; all I have lived she so plainly put on paper and showed to the world and yet I am scared to tell my friends because what will they think. What will that say if I believe; what will they say if I don’t, I have spent my whole life thinking about what other people will think not what is going to make me happy. Even know I am a culprit of my own demise, doing my makeup to impress my boss or what should I wear so that people will notice me. I don’t want to be a fly on the wall that no one sees and I don’t want to be something I am not either.

So where is the line? The line between what I need to do and what I should do. The first step to finding out, is the first step I will have to make in my journey. It has become a journey to not only find God but to find my true self along the way. I want to know more about the garden; I need to know more about the snake. I have been living with my eyes closed. I want to know more; about everything.

And thanks to my wonderful new friend Sasha it has become possible (more on that to come)

Don’t forget to smile!

You can find ChapterOne online here

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5 Years!

This week was my Honey and I’s 5 year Anniversary! Wow 5 years, I can’t believe that it has been that long. It seems just yesterday…

September 1^st 2006, seems so long ago that I meet my wonderful and handsome man. But feels like yesterday the first kiss we ever shared. I remember the first day we meet, and if you were to ask him he could tell you exactly what I was wearing. Those kinds of things just amaze me, the little things that he does that just makes my day completely. When I am mad, he won’t stop saying I love you until I say it back and mean it.

The way he wakes me up in the morning before he leaves for work just to tell me he loves me.

Five years! Five long but short years; building a life together and growing up with each other.

This year we both had to work but speed off to Regina as soon as we done and went to dinner and a movie. Kickin it old school! It was so nice to just have time together away from home to just be with each other.

 

Happy 5 year Anniversary to us!

 

Don’t forget to smile!

27. Having an amazing hair dresser

28. Pickles

28. Date night

29. Having fresh clean air to breath

30. Movies that make you laugh so hard it hurts

31. Hot showers

32.  Hot tea

33. Alone time

34. Books

35. Waking up in the morning and having another day to live

36. Very helpful driver trainer

37. Loving boy friend that isn’t afraid to tell me he loves me

38. A boss that trusts you whole heartedly

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Busy Week...

Sorry I have been a bad blogger lately but life is got me all in a spin. There seems to be way too much to do and not enough time to do it. Lots of things have happened and I am so excited to share..

I decided to get my hair cut, I needed a change. Do you ever feel like you have done all the hair styles you can with that cut and are now board of them? Well I do, as soon as my hair was long enough I started putting it in a pony tail and getting lazy. So I chopped it off again and changed the colour. My honey loves it when I have red hair, and our anniversary (more to come later) was coming up so I decided to treat both of us ;) It looks pretty darn good if I do say so my elf. I died it myself while honey was at work heheh When he got home he was very excited and so was I.

There has been a lot going on this week that has got me sort of stressed out so I started taking a little time for myself and having a cup of tea. It’s nice to have those few moments of alone time to just relax. I love the name of the tea it totally suits me this week!

I have been working by myself at the studio all week. There is a huge Power lifting event on all week from Tuesday to Sunday, and our studio was asked to take pictures! Isn’t that awesome, people from 29 different countries came to our little town and put on this amazing show. I didn’t get to go; someone had to run the studio while everyone was gone. What an amazing feeling of responsibility, that someone has faith in you to run the studio by yourself for a whole week, it was amazing. I got tones of work done and even more cleaning. I normally never have time to clean and I feel bad but this week I made time and I think the studio looks awesome. However, I have been lacking in my house cleaning this week. How wants to clean all day at work then come home and clean again...not this girl. Laundry has been piling up and so have the dishes, so today is the day! I need to get cracking on my house now because God knows that it needs some TLC.

Don’t forget to smile!

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