Finding my TRUE Self

“From the beginnings, we keep reliving the Garden Story. Satan, he wanted more. More power, more glory. We eat. And, in an instant, we are blind. No longer do we see God as one we can trust. No longer do we perceive him as wholly good. No longer do we observe all of the remaining paradise. We eat. And, in an instant, we see. Everywhere we look, we see a world of lack, a universe of loss, a cosmos of scarcity and injustice. We are hungry. We eat. We are filled…and emptied.”
Quote from:
One Thousand Gifts
by Ann Voskamp

I started reading One Thousand Gifts today; because I wanted to fill this empty hole I have in my heart. Because I wanted someone to tell me that my life is not just to be here and die. That one day after many days here I would live in the light of something more then I could ever imagine. I thought that I would just wake up one day and know the glory of the Lord and feel His love in return. That I would be able to see his love in everything that I do and everything that I am. I want to feel this love more than my human body can stand and yet I am I not ready? I am I not ready to hear what He has to say and do the things that He asks. For every time I try I have stumbled and failed.

As I read chapter one I am starting to realize who I am, through this book, thought her eyes. I have grown up as a No God person and I didn’t even know it. Nor do I want to be one. I have seen all the things that He has not done and focused on that; for I knew nothing better. I have taken death, sorrow and lose right to the heart and I have made that hole in my heart. I am the one that dug deep and removed Him with my own hands, and didn’t even know. Is it so easy to do, for a child I supposes, it is. Growing up not knowing any different; never being told the whole truth. There other day I got a fortune cookie that said “A half-truth is a whole lie” and I didn’t know what it meant. But I believe that everything happens for a reason.

I am meant to go on this journey, I am meant to find the light but not until I am ready. I started reading chapter one and half way though I got such a headache I stopped. It ached because all I have known; all I have lived she so plainly put on paper and showed to the world and yet I am scared to tell my friends because what will they think. What will that say if I believe; what will they say if I don’t, I have spent my whole life thinking about what other people will think not what is going to make me happy. Even know I am a culprit of my own demise, doing my makeup to impress my boss or what should I wear so that people will notice me. I don’t want to be a fly on the wall that no one sees and I don’t want to be something I am not either.

So where is the line? The line between what I need to do and what I should do. The first step to finding out, is the first step I will have to make in my journey. It has become a journey to not only find God but to find my true self along the way. I want to know more about the garden; I need to know more about the snake. I have been living with my eyes closed. I want to know more; about everything.

And thanks to my wonderful new friend Sasha it has become possible (more on that to come)

Don’t forget to smile!

You can find ChapterOne online here